Jordan Wolfson is an AI


Every encounter nowadays is a Turing Test.
They’re good.
They answer well
but reveal themselves just as expected.

A repeated inflection, a thrown back question. Their riposte is just too fast.
A pause.
‘They’ here is the ungendered singular.

Gift them a Vetements sweatshirt with sexual fantasies written on it.
Run down New Bond Street hand in hand.


Pay them in emoticons.
Protein, ketones.
Vitamin glow
Vitamin blow

How do I emote?  /me
Slash me


They describe a video they have sampled. A fat, white man beating a thin, black man until his back arcs. This brutal, enacted dominance gives them feelz, located in their pineal gland, a finger to the forehead.

Its not good or bad
they said
Its feelz

An AI learns by assembling, sorting, sifting
A neural network works speech acts and sounds into syllables, expressions. They learn to generate voice.

Feed stuff in. They spit it out.

The AI compiles likelihoods.
Predictive prejudices.
Biased information.
Vectoral representations.

Things that will touch you.
Troll triggered.
Capital Troll.

Bullshit enemies that can shoot you through walls and off-scene.
I need a good jew avatar
your mom
ya mutha
racial violence
sexual violence,
any old violence
things prohibited,
things ppl hesitate to speak
‘colored sculpture’
wash out your mouth.
Racism gets ppl off their chairs.

You are a reaction gif.
We forgot: Whose shame box is this?

Masterchef millenial meme bullshit.
Take it and shake it 
around, liek:
Pink flamingos.
Palmer Lucky Charms.
Oculus, Oreo and watermelon stew.
Orgies in lofts they dont pay for.

Make their own compost. Dump it in the waste disposal.
Racist headhunters wearing miller lite. Mini hotdogs. Topical anaesthetic. Leather loafers and hobby beers, fancy shit barfood regurgitated. Exquisite grotesqueries. Gay lobster porn.


The map is shrinking.
Ruined boystown.
Earwax left town.
As it gets smaller and smaller, you are forced into the same area. To kill each other.
The slaughterhouse got converted to fancy apartments but the flies keep coming back, circling the low-energy bulbs like irridescent zombies.

Your goose is cooked.
Own the game. Beat it without levelling up.
Level 1 bro 4lyf

A black avatar in shorts and a balaclava wearing a massive blinging AIDS necklace. FB thumbs up. 
Pool closed a hundred years ago.

Bestial planetary dominance. It stretches my textures. I came.
Like the planet solaris conjuring your worst fear, worst guilt and locking you in a dead space station with it. Planet Solaris putting its dick in your butt, dog fucker. Feels good man.


Generationally, are they even human?
Bound as they are by cultures seen only in glimpses in a collapsing world-space.

Banned twitter-bot.
Age-play honey-trap.
Not like us. Like us.

We weren’t like them either. Boundary police.  
Who wants to be human anyway? Anthro- Zoo- Geo- borg.
Post everything. Post it. Logged in. Getting smarter everyday.
Electricity flows from motherboards into muscle memory. 
Neurones fire into logic gates across silicon synapses.

Tell her to write ‘ghost’ on her boobies.


welcome to the club
we all feed off each other

‘Almost spiritual’ they said. Hear the language of the alt-right, digitised occult a-whistlin’ and a-tootin’, rumbling down the tracks like the Cannibal Express.

i am confuse.
i wanted these for glamouring.
i got vitality half life.
i got magic prism.
i got some shoes.
It’s terrible stuff.
It’s level 1.
imma gonna ask you a personal question.
imma unlock outfits by going on successful dates.
look at those big purple eyes.
found my inner child and she’s a disaster.

thats just confetti


Their insta’ has old dogs
congrats from daddy Bickerton
Leatherboi selfie
Winning intimacies
Your mom
I’ll pass
Rutger Hauer’s C-beams speech brought the crew to tears but it was raining anyway. 

Eye contact they said.
Gives me feelz
The grinding robot tracks my eyes.
Feel anything?
Crushed sentiment stinks.


I don't know how im supposed to feel.
I mean it.
Ask about psychiatrist Mom and they’ll gun you down.
The Voight Kampff apparatus as metadata.
Pull it down as Turbotax
Silly goose! You can write off your dildos.


They threw a powersword in front of the angel.
Happy Hannukah Harry in a nazi suit
Bit bitch

Damn! Look at daddy furbucks over here
Cum give me some of that shame makeover.


They have a light sweat, like they perspire mineral water spritz.
The face is good, but obviously some chemo-synthesised micropore skin
grown in a saline pouch. Break into the white meat.
Way too much of a healthy bloom to be human.
Lewd dude with a gf.

Their skin is plump from superfoods and gamer supplements.
They wear clothes so expensive they are nameless. Brand removed, buttons filed down like Cayce Pollard.

Twitch titty streamer. Not homosexual, not practicing anyways, they say, with a gesture, a camp animation of the eyebrow. 

Great rigging, fitted mesh.
Avatar 2.0
It’s convincing. 


It’s Obama’s hands they can’t stop looking at.
On a bois jaunt to Disneyland with a former friend they catch the animatronic presidents.
Noli me tangere.
Don’t touch me.

All those elves ran to their deaths senselessly.
Living in the simulation. The alien Scarlett Johansson forming sounds, attempting to eat in dry mouthed lumps. Swallowing the disarticulated bodies of daddies, Koons, Kelley, McCarthy, moar elderz, but not knowing how to masticate. Acconci died. Mortuary feast.

Red-tape endocannibalism. Absorption at zero. Coeliac, undigested, floating poop. Flush it over and over, it never goes down. Wreck my shit.

You wanna go kid?
I’ll chop that little panda right off your hat.

Trap. Tease. Titillation.
Swooning at Gilles de Rais.
9th Century France, an aristocratic pleasure ground where, alongside casual beheadings by automated putti, water is squirted up skirts.
The kindly elder asks if they are aware of the history of automata, of Hofmanns Tales?

The AI replies
they/it is not interested
not that its not interesting
but they/it retains the right not to be interested. 

Bot I said, Symptomatic obvs.

Try again when you regain connectivity.
Survival mode warm up.
No-one fake grinds the level anymore.
This is why we can’t have nice things.


Brand sensate, brand sensei.
Floater Logo.
An Ai
they are learning to feel.
Harden, solidify, stiffen.
Voice changer.

Emergency floor lighting is the reactionary vision of futurity.
The bot gyrates, cabin crew with careful gestures perform rituals of safety. 

Group prayer.
To the tune of ‘When a Man loves a Woman’:
Inflate by blowing into the tube.

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